we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
