my soul wont recognize me after tonight
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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