East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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