It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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