i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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