I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
