I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
