I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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