I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
