I wanna bring you to show and tell
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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