just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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