Have you finally orgasmed yet?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
