WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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