Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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