I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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