Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
