I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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