So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
