I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
