im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
