Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
