Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
