God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Dignity is for republicans.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
