Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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