my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
