I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
