Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
