note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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