just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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