I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
