Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
