ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
