I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
