My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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