woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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