ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
