pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
