so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
This is classic penis vs brain.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
