3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
we're making bets on your personal life
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
