my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
