you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
