I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
