dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
