Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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