Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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