We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
