I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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