well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
