She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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