if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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