I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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