why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
