I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
