Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
