I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
