Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
